Listen, there were certainly terrible horror movies that came out last year that I have no idea existed. I don’t intentionally go digging for bad films. In fact, I try to only watch movies that were recommended, or have some buzz, or have people working on them that I enjoy – or they have, at the very least, an interesting trailer. So saying “the worst” here is absolutely not fair – none of these movies are unwatchable or outright terrible. They all display some filmmaking competency or some good ideas.
BUT. Of the 55 horror movies from 2023 I have watched, these are the ones I liked the least. That’s all, just my personal preference. I’ll try to explain why in my blurbs below, and I’ll also include what’s good about them, so you can try to determine if it’s worth your time to check them out. If so, and you like them, come back and tell me why I’m wrong.
55. Skinamarink (Grade: D)
Let’s start off with some controversy. Many people were extremely moved by this film that feels, to some, like a childhood nightmare come to life. Some people report a sense of dread like nothing they’ve ever felt, or even panic attacks. I can’t deny, there’s something unnerving about the drawn out, dimly lit shots of closet doors and ceilings and bedroom walls accompanied by the fuzzy, underwater sound of a TV off in the distance… for about 5 minutes. Then you realize you have 95 more minutes of the same shots and sounds and a different kind of fear shakes you. I just didn’t have the patience for it, though I wish I did.
54. Run Rabbit Run (Grade: C-)
I love Sarah Snook (Succession) so this was an instant watch when I saw it streaming. Unfortunately, the quick-witted, snarky Shiv Roy was nowhere to be found and a shuffling, morose portrait of a miserable mother is in her place. It’s not Snook’s fault; she’s believable and wrings what emotion she can out of some poor writing and a barebones plot. There’s totally serviceable cinematography here and maybe a couple chills to be had, but it’s extremely boring and there’s no payoff for all the tedious waiting around. It’s close between this and Skinamarink; ultimately, Run Rabbit Run merely feels like watching paint dry, Skinamarink is a paint drying simulator.
53. Killer Book Club (Grade: C-)
The award for silliest mask in a 2023 horror film is a tie between Killer Book Club and The Conference – the difference being, The Conference is a comedy. What we have here is a by-the-numbers teen slasher where a group of students gets threatening messages on social media and then start dropping one by one. The characters are unlikeable, but not in a fun way, where you’re just hoping for them to be gruesomely offed. The kills are dull, the set pieces are unremarkable, and the big reveal has you saying, “ugh, really?” You’ll find more excitement at your mom’s weekly book club, guaranteed.
52. The Nun 2 (Grade: C-)
It has been fewer than two months since I saw The Nun 2, and I’m already struggling to remember anything about it. Perhaps the demon Valak has corrupted that part of my mind, or, more likely, it was the incredibly forgettable plot. The Conjuring universe’s brand of jump scares, bland characters, and stories that take themselves incredibly, grimly serious lost its luster for me a long time ago. To be fair, this sequel is much better than its predecessor, and Michael Chaves shows a lot of promise as a horror director – there are a couple set pieces that are quite effective and would have made for excellent short films if they were unburdened by the cross that is this story.
51. Nefarious (Grade: C-)
Oh Nefarious, you sneaky bugger. You had me in the first half, not gonna lie. Sure, it’s ultra low-budget and the acting is uneven at best, but the premise is cool: while a death row prisoner insists he’s possessed by a demon, a skeptical psychologist has to determine if he’s mentally fit for execution. The cat-and-mouse game that ensues is quite gripping, and it keeps you guessing on if he’s actually mentally ill, if he’s faking it to get out of the chair, or if there’s something supernatural happening here. In the end, the big twist is… it was all Christian propaganda! The whole film. The psychologist repents and writes a book about how the devil is real and all of us are sinners, blah blah blah. He goes on a talk show that plays out like a Sunday sermon. It’s a massive tonal shift that leaves a worse taste in your mouth than a communion wafer.
50. All Fun and Games (Grade: C)
My wife loves Sex Education so we just had to watch this film featuring a killer Otis! It turns out, Asa Butterfield is not a menacing presence, even when wielding a cursed dagger. That’s all well and good, but the real disappointment is that the film doesn’t follow through on its promise of childhood-games-turned-deadly, as the “games” basically boil down to “you run and I’ll come find you and poke you with this here knife”. It goes 0-for-2 on the title with a complete dearth of fun, as well.
49. Suitable Flesh (Grade: C)
Pick your favorite D-tier Skinamax thriller from the early-90s, take out nearly all the nudity, but make the sex scenes interminably long. Sprinkle in a confusing possession plot and voila: Suitable Flesh. There’s a bit of a Love Witch thing going on, in that the movie masterfully captures a certain time period in a certain genre of film, but it’s not a period I liked at all nor wish to revisit. I wish it took a harder turn into weird, Lovecraftian horror, but instead we just get a taste. Imagine a Color Out of Space third act! That would heat up the tepid love scenes.
48. The Elevator Game (Grade: C)
Similar to Talk to Me, this movie asks the question, what if you had TikTok when you were playing Bloody Mary with your friends 25 years ago? But instead of a mirror, it’s an elevator. And instead of your friends, it’s a group of overexuberant YouTubers. To this movies credit, it taps into a secret fear I think most people have: when you’re riding the elevator to your destination and it stops at a random floor on the way, what’s going to be on the other side of that door? A vengeful ghost? Your creepy boss? The guy who just ate tuna in the lunchroom? No matter what, you’re stuck with them for the next two minutes… or for all eternity! Anyways, this was fun enough and had some effective scares.
47. Insidious: The Red Door (Grade: C)
If I ever have post a scale of my ranking system with an example movie for each tier, The Red Door will be there as the perfect C. The acting is ok. The plot is ok. The scares are ok. I never felt the urge to leave the theater, but I never felt particularly thrilled about being there. It’s an Insidious film, so you’re gonna get some scenes in the Darth Maul dimension with “Tiptoe Through the Tulips” playing, and that’s ok. This is how a franchise ends, this is how a franchise ends, not with a bang, but with a “whatever”.
46. Hell House LLC. Origins (Grade: C)
45. Five Nights at Freddy’s (Grade: C)
This movie does exactly what it sets out to do. It’s a genuinely creepy love letter to fans of the video game, complete with easter eggs, references, and plot points that those folks will point at and chuckle over. The plot has a surprising amount of depth, too: Mike (Josh Hutchinson) is trying to hold down a job so he can care for his little sister and keep her away from the evil aunt, but he’s simultaneously trying to uncover clues about his little brother’s abduction by taking sleeping pills and dreaming about it. All that without even getting into the murderous animatronics, ghosts of dead children, and crazed serial killer on the loose! For me, knowing nothing about FNAF coming in, the robot scenes were the worst part; we had a pretty fun thriller/mystery going on there until Chuck-E-Cheese came in and started building a fort. Alas, that is not the reason this was made, so I’ll let the fans give it an A, and I’ll stick with a surprisingly solid C.
44. Pet Sematary: Bloodlines (Grade: C)
I heard some negative things about this Pet Sematary sequel, and I didn’t particularly like the reboot, so I had no expectations here. And I liked it! Kinda. I really liked the lead and his relationship with his sister. [to be continued]
43. Dark Harvest (Grade: C)
Many movies get a C grade from me because they just aren’t anything special; they use familiar old tropes that we’ve seen a million times and they get washed out in a sea of genre cliches. Dark Harvest is not one of those movies. The setup: a secluded small town dripping in 1950s Midwest Americana has a yearly ritual wherein all the macho jocks of the town compete to be the first to find and murder a deadly, supernatural scarecrow that is trying to reach town hall. The one that wins gets to drive off into the sunset in a pretty sweet new car. If that sounds awesome to you, you’ll love this flick. If it sounds stupid to you… well yeah, you’re right, ya killjoy.
42. Oracle
41. The Puppetman