This month I’ve been watching way too many horror movies to do a full review of all of them, so I decided to start this weekly series where I just do little quick hits of what I’ve been watching.
Evilspeak (1981): C-
Beloved character actor Clint Howard (brother of Ron Howard) gets the starring role here as a bullied kid at military school who fights back with the power of Satan, as channeled through an Apple II computer. Lots of classic 80’s tropes here, from towel snapping in the locker room to Satanic panic to technophobia, so it’s fun as a nostalgic slice of the era. The acting outside of Coopersmith (Howard) is also of the times, in that it’s cheesy and takes you out of the narrative. Unfortunately, it’s a long wait for the good stuff at the end, and I found myself bored. Don’t recommend it.
Chopping Mall (1986): C+
Another 80’s schlock film featuring dangerous technology, but, unlike Evilspeak, this one has the wherewithal not to take itself too seriously. The director of a shopping mall decides to roll out security robots, who quickly develop a mind of their own and ignore protocol, much to the detriment of the hardbody teens who decide to sneak in and spend the night. It has all the T&A, cigarettes, and practical effects you would expect from the genre at the time. If that’s what you’re looking for, you’ll have a good time here, but it’s not going to blow your mind.
Terrifier 3 (2024): C+
I quite liked the original Terrifier as a gritty throwback to grindhouse exploitation horror. The scene with Art in the cafe is an all-timer for me in terms of introductions to a villain. He’s never been quite as scary since. I think the sense of awed mystery of who this guy is and what he wants has been replaced by an arm’s-length, cynical curiosity about what the filmmaker is going to do to top his previous depravity. Not that I’m against depravity – just that it’s become routine here.
Maybe that’s inevitable with sequels, as familiarity breeds contempt. I respect the second one’s attempt to add some lore and a fantasy angle to mix it up, even if I felt it needed some serious editing and maybe another pass on the script. So, I went into this one hopefully optimistic.
Befitting the subject matter, it’s a mixed bag. The Christmas theme allows for some creative and unique kills, which I guess is what we paid the price of admission for anyway. Art is less scary than ever as the Flanderization continues and he becomes more and more goofy; but worse than that, they introduce an accomplice who adds very little to the frights and limits the screen time of the person we want to see. Unlike Art, she speaks, and that takes away some mystique for me.
I have more to say on this one, so I’ll be doing a full review. Suffice to say, it delivered on what you’d expect, but nothing more.
Paperhouse (1989): B
A troublesome young girl finds herself bedridden, and her drawings and dreams take on a life of their own. This is much more drama than horror, with only a couple of tense scenes, but the dreary atmosphere and bummer subject matter do set a dark tone. It’s kind of like a watered-down Pan’s Labyrinth, and I mean that as a very good thing. I’m a sucker for these thrillers with aspects of fairy tale magical realism (Tigers Are Not Afraid is one of my favorites), so I really liked it. Just don’t expect a fast-paced, wild romp; it’s a slow burn for a rainy afternoon.
Alice, Sweet Alice (1976): B-
A young girl is suspected of killing her little sister, as someone wearing her mask continues their killing spree. Interestingly, the creepiest part of this giallo-esque slasher is the environment the family lives in; a dingy urban apartment complex with a grotesque, pedophile landlord. The mystery is a little disappointing in the end, and the plot in general isn’t that gripping, but the acting, set design, and subtext is enough to make it worth watching.
Amsterdamned (1988): B
A classic whodunnit procedural set on the waterways of Amsterdam, this film has a few standout moments that raise it from a decent to great. The opening scene and the ensuing discovery of the body is one, and the boat chase scene through the canals in the third act rivals Bullett (1968) for my favorite chase in all of cinema. The dialogue is also snappy and original; the characters and their idiosyncrasies feel real. Once again, the disappointing reveal at the end tanks the story, but the scuba stalker with his harpoon kills will surely stick with me.
New Religion (2022): A-
I enjoyed this one so much I did a full review and analysis of it, here.
Teeth (2007): B
I was surprised at how light and fun the tone was, given what I knew about the story going in. It feels like some of the more self-aware teen horror comedies of the 2000s, or maybe a proto-Diablo Cody script. Jess Weixler does an excellent job in the starring role as she transforms from naive purveyor of abstinence education to jaded, vengeful badass. The supporting characters all nail it as well, from the “nice guy” horny friends to the unfiltered asshole of step-bro Brad (John Hensley, “Nip/Tuck”). That, along with some themes you can unpack related to religion and sexuality and feminism, elevate this from mere shock-value body horror.
Curtains (1983): D+
The premise is so promising: actresses competing for a role get summoned to stay in a house, where the director will make his decision. Murder ensues! Unfortunately, in practice, it’s incredibly dull. There’s a pretty creepy mask and a really cool kill on ice skates, but you can just watch that on Youtube and save yourself the time, unless you need a good nap.